Jill Donald

camp

2007-07-04T14:19:00.001-07:00

well we are in our third week at camp...the beauty about being here has been one thing...our friends Jude and Cheryl...it has been such a great experience here because of them and there two little girls...it is funny how things work out...we just ended up having our last year at camp be really enjoyable even though it is hard because we are leaving...it has been a real blast because of this family...

I appreciate there humor, truthfulness and friendship...

Camp will be hard to say goodbye too in a few weeks, but it will also be a huge chapter in our lives that we are able to close and start new...

There are already sad feelings around leaving but for me it will be more sad that we have made a great friendship with our neighbours and will miss them dearly...

so as i report on our experiences here there has been some exciting things happening with Aubrey...one she is able to be social with lots of people and two she now turns over as of two weeks ago...i think it is somewhere around June 30th or so...and she cut a tooth July 2nd...she is growing so fast and doing all new things...like reaching for me when i go to pick her up and smiling when she sees me and Jord...(that is something she has been doing for a while but hey why not mention it).

I have also thoroughly enjoyed being here because the pics that i have been able to take of the beautiful sunsets that we get here... cute kids that i love to shoot pics of...

Camp is good and alright and hard some days but i guess today this is a day that i appreciate what it has to offer

cheers
Jd

margie's birthday

2007-07-02T18:31:00.000-07:00

what a day what a day i hope that you have a fun birthday....

Love ya

Dear Jord

2007-06-22T19:40:00.001-07:00

I know this week has been crazy…to start off you are an amazing father and great at your job…the balance of the two can be hard I know…but I love you very much…

I would really love you to know that I really feel supported as the adjustment for me here has been hard…you are always patient and kind…and never putting yourself first…sometimes I do need a swift kick in the ass and other times I need your love and kindness…

I love you very much and think you make a great
Dad, husband and Boss…

Your little ladies
Jill and Aubrey

Birthday "bash" or "bust"

2007-06-18T09:12:00.000-07:00

26, twenty six...

so far it is a bust...never have i ever really enjoyed my birthday being in June...no one to celebreate with at camp...not the place because everyone is going about there business...jord has something plannned this afternoon so I am looking forward to that...well i got the first call just in the middle of my birthday or bust rant...and it was someone to see how Jord's father day went...not even a happy birthday to you...weird...

In my house growing up birthdays were a big deal...we would wake up early in the morning and open presents and then the whole day we couldn't wait to get home to have that amazing birthday cake...

Not a lot of fun spending your birthday in meeting and with 40 people that don't know you very well...

I should say who cares but i guess each year i hope it gets better you know... that being here would be alright when i am far away from all the family and friends that i would like to spend my birthday with...but each year it just is a bust...presents or not i am just not where i would like to be...in the company of family...on my own couch...watering my garden...laughing and a dumb movie i rented that kinda thing!

signing off...kinda sounding a little depressed to be here

we have moved north

2007-06-17T12:07:00.000-07:00

we have arrived...not really the best trip i have ever had but we made it and have been here three days...they feel like really long days because there is only so much i can do in a day but hey i guess it will get better...

For those of you who know jordan and I you know that it takes a lot of effort to actualely pack upand leave Hamilton because we really love it there...we love the neighbours the people the smells and the crazy things that happen there...

Living here is a bubble one that we are oh so ready to burst out of...It is a bitter sweat thing that we are leaving...sad, good, all kinds of emotions are attached to this change...

most of all though i will get my husband back...and Aubrey will get her father...most of the six weeks that we spend up here is going to be hard because we (me and Bre) will only get pockets of time to spend with Jord...distractions and people needing him will be the theme this summer...now i know that when you become a pastor it is crazy too...but etleast I will have my friends and family that i love close by.

I am really looking forward to taking more pictures and i have really loved this new expression i have found... i was never really artistic in the sense ( i could paint and draw) i was more artistic with my photography and interior design passions...now that i have found one of these to be very fullfilling i can't get enough...i already miss home because there i had a computer that i could do editing on and spend hours being creative with my photos...here i can't even up load them onto a computer...and i also love taking pics of people and there is only few people here? Another couple is living in the basement appartment which is so fantastic...they have two little girls which i can't wait to take a shoot of...that has been the hightlight of being here so far...etleast they are close by...

Anyhow, this is what we are up to know...I look forward to seeing the summer move quickly...but really i am always looking forward to what is next...

happy fathers day to my husband whom i love you are a great daddy...

peace out from the north

run

2007-06-07T19:19:00.000-07:00

sit

2007-06-06T06:59:00.000-07:00

adorable

2007-06-05T09:50:00.000-07:00

beauty

2007-06-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

family

2007-06-05T09:33:00.000-07:00

window

2007-06-05T09:28:00.000-07:00

my little nieces

2007-06-04T10:11:00.001-07:00

This was a photo shoot that i did for my family and this was my favorite pic

Hamilton

2007-06-01T10:02:00.001-07:00

my feet

2007-05-31T14:09:00.000-07:00

who can resist those little feet...

the swing

2007-05-30T11:43:00.000-07:00

this photo is just so adorable...first off she is way to small to be in that swing...but the way her hair is and her eyes looking up it just melts my heart...it is such a privledge to be a mom... i tell Aubrey all the time that i would love it if she could stay small...remember the times we had to cuddle and laugh together...but i think she will find her own way...her own voice...and i really can't wait to see who she will become.

all moms out there can appreciate how special your time is with your little one...because they are only this little for so long..

community

2007-05-24T08:13:00.000-07:00

community is it good? or is it bad? and when do we really experience true community? I would suggest it is only when we allow our selves to be changed by our experiences of people around us...to be good LISTENERS AND HEARERS of what people are telling us. We should no longer try and isolate people by bad humor, and " i told you so's" we shouldn't allow sarcasim, making fun of people and just plan hostile behaviours part of our daily exsistance because it just doesn't allow for true community. What isolates people is gay jokes, fat jokes, your too femaine jokes, and the list goes on. I must admit i was really senstive to these things before...but over the last year I have really allowed them to start becoming a part of my vocab again...and ashamed i admit that this is not community building of Christ living at all. Infact i am just like everyone else who isolates people can't talk seriously and is afraid of comfronting the people that say and do these types of things instead what is suppose to be a safe community.

we should never refer to people as that fat person, the ugly guy...the women who smells and so on and so forth...it is just not right and i stand frustrated with myself that i have changed who i was to someone who has for sure not allowed people to feel loved and cared for by the words that i have spoken...so lets clean up and get our mouth in check and we will see what a difference we can make by being inlcusive, loving, and kind.

planted a garden last night

2007-05-24T07:55:00.000-07:00

i did the unthinkable really? I planted a garden even though I thought that i wouldn't because we are selling our house. But hey what the hell it was so much fun really and i just love the relaxation of doing something i love.

I did another unthinkable as well...i went to watch Jordan play ultimate frisbee and i ended up subing in for a couple of points because the team was short on girls. I can't run at all...it was so discouraging thing. I used to always be good of even better at sports...one year I won athlete of the year....that is a real laughing matter now. I can barely do a fligh of stairs without dying. So i decided i need to get more active and i think it is a good goal... i know it takes a long time to get your body back to normal but i wasn't expecting it would take a year...and at the rate i am going it may take a year.

from a mother who can't quiet believe she isn't and athlete anymore!

moving???

2007-05-16T10:43:00.000-07:00

So our house has been for sale for three weeks? And we haven't had one person through...i am really dying to know what the issue is for real....but i am pretty sure i have a good guess...the hood...yep that is right...we live in it and it is hard to get out of...really we don't want to leave so much as we would really like to get a house that suites community living better. I wish there was some great future in selling this house but i know that it will be hard and the right person needs to be interested. So if you can pray that we get some action that would be great.

or maybe even pray that it does go better than it has....it is hard keeping a house up for nothing...

cheers from the hood

ready to blow

2007-05-11T16:40:00.000-07:00

i think it is one of those days...long, hot, and it feels like it drags on forever. I rarely get frustrated with being a mom but today...i had nothing fun going on...you know those days when all you do is entertain entertain entertain...and then you realize the only thing you have done all day is talk baby talk...Jord said "why don't you go out?" i said there is nothing to do!

so i am rambling about on my blog which really isn't helping very much. I feel kinda despressed today...and not really sure if that is what it is? But even when i had moments while the baby was sleeping today i just simply did nothing...boring! I thought i should really get the house cleaned up because we are trying to sell! But i had no energy to do that...and i kinda feel a little hopeless about it really. It seems strange that we had our house on the market for two weeks and haven't had even one call at all. i am not sure if that is normal even if your real estate agent is on vacation or not? I wonder if we won't be able to sell, that kinda worries me because I think it would be easier to have a change before we move into community. And hell i don't think we could manage here it just isn't the right set up...but to be honest i really don't want to clean and look after the house for months and months while we try and sell it. i would rather sell it so that it moves quickly!

Anyways that is my rant, the real hard part is that when i feel this way...i always get angry and frustrated and mad...instead of just maybe crying. the other hard part is the person that i take the frustration out on is usually Jord...so sorry ahead of time k!

the ready to blow mother

walking in hamilton

2007-05-10T10:04:00.000-07:00

Jordan and I went for a walk yesterday...and we ran into a fight breaking out at a local bar! this guy just slapped a man across the face and was ready to kick his face in and then it broke up...nothing like it really, the smell of hamilton in the air fighting happening in the local bar...really lovely. i think next time i go for a walk i might bring my camera...i mean there was great action that all of you could have enjoyed with me!!! ha ha ha...it was actually really disturbing and weird for around 7:30 at night. i had little aubrey on the front of me in a little carrier and Jord was walking the dog...i think the man that was attacked was the owner of the bar? but i am not 1oo%. Anyhow that was the excitment for us yesterday on James street.

cheers to another crazy day in the hammer

Daddy

2007-05-07T07:29:00.000-07:00

So cute i could kiss them right now...come on i can't believe this is my little baby i love her so much. I love that one day this dad and girl will be able to share stories and laughter together...that one day he will feel like he has to protect her from everything...and then realize that he can't...dad's and little girls are very special...i just love these two and i can't wait to see how there relationship grows.

love mommy

Frustration station

2007-05-06T13:43:00.000-07:00

How do you work it out..being all things to all people. Sometimes i feel like screaming! There is the house, the dog, the man, the baby the the the the...if you know what i mean. There really is no time to balance being great in all areas...and i hate to admit it but i am really failing in the wife department. For all of those women out there who have been married had a kid (or two)...tell me how you stay in love and getting all the things you need from each other when there is a baby involved...i want to be sexy, attractive and maybe even nice to look at every once and a while...but i have nothing in me when my head hits the pillow at then end of the night...i think there must be a women out there that has created some secret serum...where she takes it in the morning and by the end of the day everyone around her is happy. Baby is feed, dog is walked and the husband feels fulfilled. If anyone knows where to find that potion, lotion, drink, drug...can you pass it along...cause this wife is failing misurably at balancing it all.

I look around and it just seems like there is very few people out there that want to consider themselves a failure...they or might i saw we all want to be precieved as having all things together, and really no one can but i really just need someone on par with me to tell me that it is okay...that i am normal for having no sex drive and very little time to make all things work for the good of everyone...no romance, no anything....so if you are one with me on the perfect thing... let your hair down and lets talk seriously. Let's not just joke about it anymore and laugh of the things that are most frustrating...lets actually does this reality thing, vulnerability thing you know!

intelligence?

2007-05-04T11:31:00.001-07:00

intelligence..some where inside my mother brain here i do have some sort of intelliegence...just sometimes is fails me! i am thinking up ideas of what i can do when my maternity leave is over because i will need to coin. I realize being self employed isn't the greatest stategy because i won't get any EI when i am pregnant with number two. so i have thought of nothing hence the missing intelligence things. Anyhow if anyone has any good suggestions that would be great!

world is on fire

2007-05-02T05:45:00.000-07:00

i had placed this video from sarah on my blog...second video down on the right hand side...and i thought it was a fantastic because it demonstrates how much waste there is on entertainment...i think we forget sometimes how the entertianment world that you and me, and the whole world is apart of really makes more money and spends more money than anything else in the world...(well that may not be fully true because athletes make millions a year for most of the games they play).

So the question is when i compare my life and spending to that of these thousands and millions of pop icons and their spending habits what is the paralel.

So here is what i came up with
A night out (movie and dinner) $22.00 movie,. $40.00 dinner total of 62.00 plus gas
shopping for groceries $200.00 every two weeks
diapers 70.00 per month
mortgage 610.00 per month

at the end of the day, jordan and I are on a tight budget but we still get all the things we need and want, really! and we waste a hell of alot on entertainment. So food for thought i suppose, we all point the finger at all these pop icons and athletes and well i guess what i am getting at is to live simply is the fucken hardest thing to do for all of us...
when i go out for a hot meal and a movie i rarely think about how i could have spent that money in a better way, No. I often think and justify how much i really need that experience and deserve it...can you relate! Yes i am sure you can, i just need this, i need that...and well then we begin to realize we are just like the athletes and the job bon jovi's of this world...taking our wants and somehow justifying them as needs.

signed off as another sad spender in this consumeristic world

things that make you go hmm!

2007-04-30T15:15:00.000-07:00

i cried it is true...today i cried and was angry and well all the emotions that one can feel at once. I have the sign that says "for sale" that is my house is for sale. It really is hard and really weird and all together scary. I go the nerves today about living with other people...cause you see i like my space, i like my things, and well frankly i really like it all to myself!

Sharing is so hard, and i don't mean sharing crayons, i mean sharing the big things in life, like your life. Your vulnerable moments, your moments that you want no one to see. I like my privacy my special quiet times with Aubrey...and my very loud moments with my husband...

Today i question whether i am really up for this community thing...if i want my kids to never be in their own home, and bla bla bla.

And the other thing that made me angry today is seeing myself in an ever so overweight photo! Yuck...you know...!

laughter is the best gift

2007-04-27T07:55:00.000-07:00

last night i have a fantastic night with the goodyear family and the vincent family...it was great times had by all but my favorite part of all is all the laughter it is good for the soul. As well as me and Margie's adventure saving kittens that i suppose mihgt have never needed saving after all.

I am heading tonight to a fundraising dinner for the place I used to work...really not exactly the best night of my life...but hopefully it will be fun...
cheers

lumps

2007-04-24T12:41:00.000-07:00

Aubrey is really giggling now and it is so much fun to watch...i love it you can see her on You tube it is pretty cute.

being a mom is fantastic but i realize after going to a few doctors appointments that you body really goes through a lot. Since having Aubrey I have found out that i have low Iron, low B12. And today my doctor called me back and said i need to go see a gyno because i have a sist on my left side somewhere in you uterus. Kinda sucks...i feel like i need a break from my vagina being on show to the world , if you know what i mean. At any rate here i am wondering what the hell is going on with this body of mine.

i have had sist in the past in my left breast, i had it checked out and it was fine...but apparently i have more where that came from. New challenges every day i suppose.

To all those women out there who don't get annual physicals and don't do self breast examinations i highly recommend them! "You should try and stay healthy even if it means a little poking and proding"!

my bed head

2007-04-22T06:39:00.000-07:00

today i woke up with major bed head, one down fall to having short hair i suppose? nice to see that everyone is very concerned with the dogs...and the funny thing is Jord went over and met him yesterday said he was an alright guy...just maybe not that great with Dog's. OUch!

went to cultivate for part of the day yesterday and really enjoyed myself, apart from the hot wheather it was a great experience to chat about some of the relevant issues of churches and communities. One of the topics I went to was community living, it was a really interesting response. Most people hate the idea of sharing any kind of space, but they also appreciate the idea as well. after chatting about it more i realize that it could be a great thing it just is alot of effort...jord and I will have to see what it is like...my journal at that point might just turn into rants about community living.
baby is crying go to run

cheers

Three

2007-04-19T12:44:00.000-07:00

Today i was letting my dog out or trying to get him to come in actually because the wheather is so great. When i saw a neighbour across the alley who has three puppies beat them and scream at them. My hair all over my body stood on end...so i called the SPCA and they said they can't do anything? It really tares me apart to see animals being treated like this. IT is awful. I really want to march over there and buy all the puppies that i can and bring them home. OR just take them up to the SPCA! sad how bad men make bad parents, bad dog raisers and there is nothing we can do about it.

So if anyone has any suggestion let me know...or even anyone you know who wants a puppy?
cause I might be inheriting three.

back allies

2007-04-18T17:24:00.000-07:00

well today i went to clean the backyard of all the things that kinda collect over the winter and to my dismay...two guys were yelling at each other for most of the time I was out there. oh the sound of fuck you's and bastard's all strung together reminds me that i have a back alley first off and secondly that it is spring. Allies filled with assholes and backyards that need to be cleaned some how the co-mingling of these two entities just seems one in the same in the hammer.

I do however love getting things all nice and ready for spring...it always looks so awful and ugly...and then comes the beauty that we have all been dying to see! Nice flowers and fresh looking grass...and oh well in the hammer you can't forget the smells! Today was one of the first days that I was able to get out and see my neighbours and unfortunately i told them that we were going to put our house up for sale? Sad i think it made her and yet i think that she life here for her...neighbours come and neighbours go! It really breaks my heart to leave and i will really struggle for some time about this. God, it is so nice to have my own place with my own garden and a house i can do with what i please.

signing off as the neighbour...who wishes she could stay a neighbour!

money money money

2007-04-17T12:47:00.000-07:00

if it were true that money can grow on trees today would be the day that i would like to find that tree...we are going through some changes with a new house somewhere in the future...and a house to sell. With that said there are some added costs to buying and selling your house. one is you need to have money to make things nice a presentable so that you can get top dollar for your house!

But with all the money going out the window before the place is even on the market well lets say that is a little scary. So Jord went to get an egg mcmuffin today and the balance in the bank was zero! Ahhhhhhhh! Panic sets in and then i check the bank and sure enough cheques that were wrote a long time ago have been cashed and well etleast all the bills were paid!

this is my money rant....so if you find that tree could you let me know where it is rooted cause right now i need to find it!

cheers from one poor bastard to another

the daddy review

2007-04-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

so last night i went out to the fashion show leaving daddy to look after baby...as it turns out she was incrledibly fussy...but when I arrived back from the show she was sound asleep in his arms. (ironically he didn't tell me until we were in the car that she was sooo fussy)? well to say the least he did what he could but it seemed like it was just one of those nights i guess...

so today i had a doctor's appoinment that i had to go to so he looked after her again... and of course she was fussy...tired maybe and just a little off. And he said it was really hard and i could see it on his face once he told me. It really bothered him that he felt really angered by the situation. And he wanted to freak out he said...well maybe freak out isn't the right word...maybe more like he felt a little out of control with the emotions he was feeling. So we talked and he then thought i would never leave him home with her because he might hurt her? I was sure certain he would never hurt her?

It is funny how being a mom you just do it without thinking and you kinda just deal with the fussy days as they come...because at any moment your entire days plans can be gone in a whim. I think for guys it is just a little harder...they don't spend as much time with the child therefore the ways the child acts can be different from the last time they were alone with them. Right now Aubrey cries and fusses alot when she is sleepy. Kinda fitting the feeling i think...and that can be pretty persistant for an hour or so then she will give in and nap.

I wish there was some magic pill that made it easier for dads considering they only get so much time with the baby. But there is not and well it can be hard then to ever leave the baby home...not because you are worried about the baby but because you are worried about dad, getting too tired and feeling like a failure. I have had weeks and weeks and weeks of time to figure her out and meet her needs and he probably has a week maybe two of time spent with her alone...and i am being generous. So as the story goes we should never make the husband feel bad but only remind the of how much practice we have...that will hopefully put it all in perspective.

signing off as the mom who knows it's hard to mother when you are the dad

rainy wheather and a fashion show

2007-04-12T12:07:00.000-07:00

tonight i am venturing out with two girlfriends leaving daddy to look after Aubrey! i am going to a fashion show and dinner. mostly interested in getting out and supporting my mom's house, all the procedes go to her house. So here i am just getting all geared up for a rare night out with the girls. I hope we have a good time.

new blog spot

2007-04-09T15:57:00.000-07:00

so i am pissing off my husband today!!! I have an edge and as we speak he is kinda pissing me off too! the response that i have is well that's just life isn't it.

one thing i really hate is going to the mall...trying things on after having a baby is literal torchure, but at the same time it also can be nice to get something that fits your new body after having a kid...and i think it is safe to say that you really don't bounce back after nine weeks let alone if ever???

But i got a couple things i feel alright in and some that i tried on for hubby that once he saw made me realize maybe they should go back...at any rate that is life today.

We are also thinking or should i say are selling our house. we have lived here three years now and i think i feel a little sad to leave...i love moving don't get me wrong but the thought of it kinda scares me! On top of the fact that i will be living with other people....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

ya other people if you think you didn't hear it right the first time...we are going to dive head first into community living something i have done before but hated...so i guess i am going for a second round just for kicks.

signing off as the new person....fully expressed over the internet!

Welcome To My Blog

2007-04-05T18:48:00.001-07:00

Hope I am bloggy enough.

Pregnancy 16 weeks and one day

2006-08-13T07:28:00.000-07:00

This is the most exciting time in my life...having a baby a little one at the moment is growing inside me and it is really hard to believe. i thought it would be a great idea now that most people know i am pregnant to write down some of my thoughts throughout. The first thing is the story.

Jordan and I took a trip to florida this April which was so much fun, and relaxation. While we were there we got pregnant...planned? Yes of course! Anyhow we both were driving home and i was just totally being rediculous because i was sleeping and sleeping and sleeping all the way home. And for those of you that know Jord he is a terrible driver at night. So i kinda slept with one eye open. To say the least i really couldn't stay awake. So we arrived home and for two days straight i continued to have these lengthy naps and felt really great afterwords. But i started to get a little suspicious. So i went up stairs and got out my pregnancy test and of course took a pee. Anyways, Jord was out cutting the lawn and i thought hey lets just see? Well i sat there waiting and waiting and reading every line on the paper that comes in the box...i has already read it over so many times but i needed something to keep it off my mind. So when the time was up i quickly grabbed the stick and read two pink lines!!!! I said "oh my God! i am pregnant!" i paced in the hallway for a while and kept staring at the stick. Then i rushed downstairs and yelled for jord out in the backyard. He was filling up the lawnmore with gas and ended up spilling it everywhere. Eventually he came in and i showed him the stick! Ahhhhh, wow is this for real i think is what he said! We hughed and laughed and then he said "We have got to go to the Doctor's to make sure this is true!"

So the next day i left work and went to see the Doctor...i waited in the waiting room what felt like an hour. Then i got called in and i said to the lady bringing me back to the room. "I think i am pregnant can i have a urine sample cup?" So went down the cold white hallway to the bathroom. I brought back the sample and set it in the area where they do the tests, just to be helpful! I went to my room and sat down grabbed a magazine and pretended that i wasn't waiting for the biggest news of my life to come walking in dressed in a white coat. Well...he came in and read his chart and said. Your negitive!!!! What? i thought to myself...then i proceded to ask for what? he said for some sugar test...and i said no I think i pregnant and he left and proceded to do the real test and returned with a positive!!!!!!!!

What a relief!

Christianity...not for me!

2006-04-03T09:12:00.000-07:00

this time i feel like shit because i realize that not one person i know is willing to join jordan and i in hamilton here...and i am getting to the point where i feel like it sucks. I tend to think that God would come through in some way you know? But clearly as Jordan would say we can know what it was like to be Jesus feeling quiet abandon and alone! Well to the hell with that...no more for me thanks. i have had it up to my eyeballs with being different and never finding anyone to relate too on issues of faith! I mean we even sit in bible study last night and the issue that we talk about is swearing and if we should do that or not...and man i wanted to scream...THE ONLY THING THAT CONCERNS YOU PEOPLE IS WHEATHER OR NOT WE SWEAR AS CHRISTIANS! How about things like are we really living out our faith if we live in a way that oppresses people? Ah, so i through up my hands and say...forget it...i want to stop doing this different life and really get into what everyone else is like cause that will just feel better. And frankley being different and feeling concerned about how we choose to live just further alienates us from the world around us. And really at the end of the day Jordan isn't enough for me. Each person that is a potential friend or friends from before i made the dicision to live hear are all on a different page than me! I can't talk about my real feelings because they just offend people. They think i am judging them?

So i sit in my house and i say forget it...i have hit the wall and i am no longer willing to do this. So I will be a consumer with you...i will only care about money and sucess and i will forget what i thought was knowing God just for the sake of having a friend or two. Cause for me feeling accepted and loved is something i want at the core of who i am, and being this way...isn't even meeting one my needs.

You may read this and wonder what the hell i am talking about and think to yourself...that is okay jill just be free from this...but i feel and emence amount of guilt cause if i choose this other road I am no longer argreeing that i am a christ follower. And i guess today is the first day in my journey where i say that i am not wanting to know Christ or find out what he loved because when i went down that road i only found NOTHINGNESS...ABANDONMENT...and frankly if we all get into the kingdom at the end no matter what we pursue and love and see as Gods in our life then i say FORGET IT! Why should i live a life that is seperate and seek that pursuit of love if i am simply just going to remain with God in the end anyway. That is where that prayer makes sense i guess. That prayer that we all pray and the conversion moment that seemed so shallow until today...i guess I will go back to that prayer and say thanks and realize that is all our faith is...just a simple prayer and no choice after that other than be a nice person and don't swear... hell anyone can do that...so count me in...that the REAL DEAL count me out cause it sucks!

Signed a person who thinks christianity is more but doesn't want to do it anymore!
Jill

obsorb this!

2005-09-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

Of course i know that life is better understood when you can fully grasp why people make decisions that they do. I mean the more you understand where people come from and who they are and what makes them tick...you will understand them in the decisions that they make. I just am having the hardest time understanding how you give up on something like for instance marriage without giving it all you got.

I want to jump into the minds of two people that i love dearly and understand why they can't choose change over selfishnesss. I have been a sure advocate for being kinda self-seeking at times. But in this senario it just doesn't make sense. You see they have been married for some time now with two kids and they desperately need help in the area of knowing how to love each other and meet each others needs. But somewhere in this game "they might say" of marriage he isn't meeting her needs and she isn't meeting his. Far be it from me to have a clue what it will be like when i have been married 8 years and have two kids....will i forget who i am? Who do you become? But the last thing i would want it to give up.

I grew up refusing to be what my parents were in many respects failures at understanding who they were in the grand sceem of marriage. They didn't have the first clue!!! and well i promised myself that i would not go down that same path.

But i am watching as one of the marriages i loved and cared about and stood for...is coming to a very desperate spot...where the only thing that seems managable is to have one person leave. SHit that sucks. Watching it is even harder because i don't have any answers and certainly very little if any advice.

I will choose one thing though...to do anything and everything i can to support and help anyone who is in need of a place to live or stay and a place they can call home. That is all i can offer and really when i think back to what i bought the mary street house for i think it was for just that...and maybe just for this...But God damit it makes me angry that i can nothing else to offer than a bed and a voice that says welcome in...

I want to be that voice that gives people a reason to change and a reason to turn back to who they loved...i want to be the voice who says this is not acceptable...i want to be OUTSPOKEN ON MATTERS LIKE THESE... but i return to sanity where you find that no matter how much you say and how much you don't say they are one in the same...it will be TIME that will change things....I THINK?

A new day has begun

2005-09-06T14:00:00.000-07:00

If you have been following my journal entries you will see the trend that i will write more once i am home in Hamilton. i really love being here...Today marks a great day for me...we are having a young kid come live with us for the year...i think it should be a great experience and i love having this house filled with people.

The summer at camp ended well but it was very hard season or our life. We love working in ministry and working for camp but we also love being in our home community...i wish the two were in the same place so that we wouldn't miss anything while we are gone for the summer. I have asked my husband to allow us to stay home for our vacation cause i really miss it that much...really funny eh? Everyone else in the world wants to go away...get out of the city but i just want to stay cause i have missed it sooo much...

Well time to depart... I am really looking forward to journaling again...
cheers

my life at camp

2005-07-19T19:40:00.000-07:00

I have started working at camp full time for the summer, this year and it has been a real challenge. Having a love for kids i run an LIT program for christian kids ages15-16. It has been really great getting to know each one of them. I love the job and hate it all at once. But as you begin to get to know these kids more and more they are really amazing because they feel safe to share how they feel. And some of the hurts and pains of these kids lives comes out while sharing with some of my staff. It really breaks your heart to know how they have been hurt by strangers and family, and people that are suppose to protect them...

The other aspect of my life that is really hard right now is living in community. both me and my husband share a house with another couple. It has been really hard to share a home and share jobs as well. I have really learned a lot about living in communuity and how hard it really is. You all come with your own ways of seeing the world and how the home should function. Something really interesting is that we had never had a house meeting until all shit broke loose. But once that was handled it is like living in a new house. If i could suggest anything to people who are choosing to go this route of communial living that you need to take time to realize that is what you are doing and talk and act and live in that knowledge...otherwise you will try to live indepently of the community and that doesn't work....

At any rate things aren't perfect but we are on the road to a better understanding of what communtiy is? I think?

good to know who you are

2005-05-16T14:10:00.000-07:00

What i wish i knew!

I know who I am
I know who i could become
I know who God can make me
I know what i was created for
I know that he is my rock
I know that he makes me whole
I know that sometimes i don''t know where he is
I know that i still trust Him!

What i know for sure
I am who i am today with all my mistakes
with all my shortcomings, I am in his Grace

JD

It has been to long

2005-05-06T09:25:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a really long time and i begin to feel an emence amount of saddness when i can't write too. The other day Jordan and i really struggled through a hard issue revolving around things i may not list. But it broke me to the core... we sat across from one another is a room full of silence hurt and pain. Pain sometimes is not intentional but evently it can become that. I cried as he shared and he cried as he confessed, eventually the pain turned into joy and hurt into holding each other. Evently our oneness overcame our selfishness, and thus began the journey of reconciliation between husband and wife. I do not believe i would have patience for these things unless ther was a spirit convicted me to care and share in other peoples burdens and pains. I love that! I love that my God knows that pain can turn into reconciliation. It really is the beauty of Christianity.

To all those who feel pain, know it and can rejoice to get out of it...praise one person for that...God. Otherwise the pain can stick on you like vomit!

Jill

come what may

2005-04-04T16:30:00.000-07:00

today i begin the journey to what you could call "sacrifice?" I know i know it may sound like i am self proclaiming my goodness but as the story unfolds it won't seem that way.

It began with the spread of a rumour that we needed someone to look after our house while we were gone. The next step was a phone call from someone who needed one. The next step was well getting into the idea and realizing that i would be sharing my home with other people? People i maybe don't know the habits of. If you were to ask my husband what i am like he would describe me as a little bit of a neat freak? opps! At any rate..it has taken me a long time to figure out how i would allow other people to move into my bed, my cupboards, my home essientially? I am about to meet the people and show them around tonight. They are a family and well.... the thought of a family here really makes me so excited. But i do feel that sense of well...it is my home...and well what rules should i make? What should they pay if they break something? What if they never pay? All these thoughts are still running through my mind but i am realizing really how great this process is. I am glad that God continues to teach me and i am sure when the summer is over and we return back to mary...(that is the name of our house) I will know much more about why this process started and where it will take us.

Jill

the kids on my street

2005-03-26T17:06:00.000-08:00

There is a house only about 7 down from mine. It has all these kids in it with a lawn that is covered in crap...whatever you can think of is on their lawn. Today was about the 20ith time the cops have been to there place. I was sitting in my house just resting on the couch and I was jolted awake when i heard..."fuck you you stupid bitch" i went to the window and there was one of them yelling at one of the girls. I wanted to go out there and kick that kids ass. But i was thinking you never know if these kids carry guns? What at thought huh?

So i grabbed my sweater and went to the porch to see what i could see outside. And there they all were outside in their landfill front yard talking to three cops. The cops aren't saying much and the kids are just trying as hard as they can to keep their cool. As i gazed the street, all the people in the neighbourhood were out to see what was going on? I came back into my house once it all settled down, and thought of all the ways i could get these dumb ass kids out of my neighbourhood? ha...nice one eh? Then i began to reflect about what i could do to reach out and maybe see what these kids are all about. I am not sure how they live in the place they do? Where they get their money? But there are no parents there, and their is a new puppy that has somehow made it into the mix. when i was thinking about them and it brought tears to my eyes..i wished that i was a guy...I desperately wanted to invite them over for pizza and kinda just see what they are like? Made me really nervous and i knew it wouln't be the best thing considering Jord wasn't home. But it was then that i realized that i really want to love kids that have rough lives...that have to make it on the street...I am thankful for where I am cause there is no escaping the reality of who i want to become. I hear loud noises, neighbours that don't just say to there dogs "come here" they yell "get in here you asshole" It kinda makes me laugh...real people...you would never experience that in other neighbourhoods.

I often think about what kind of lives these kids have had? What they have experienced growing up...I know that they desperately need love! So i was hoping that my friend would come here one day and make friends with these neighbours? I would like to see what he could teach me...what he would do...if he would protect them care for them and love them? It would be nice to see what happens....i want to give them hope for something...dignity...humaity!

I thank God for 230 Mary...i had a gentle reminder of why i am here!

is someone playing some sick joke on me?

2005-03-22T16:16:00.000-08:00

I often wonder if there is someone playing a crule joke on me. I grew up being a pretty stable person not much really fazed me, my looks, my personality...but now it feels like i am falling appart? My confidence becomes reliant on my weight and my measuring stick is not longer myself. It is every girl out there that knows that they have beat me. My sister my friends, i was always the one who was considered the small one. Now i look at all the friends that i know or once new and the goal is losing wieght and being skinny. Now i am the one looking in the mirror asking myself the question "what do i do" I hate the way I look and people know i have gained weight...and well i suppose to beleive my husband who tells me i am Beautiful! Ha, ya right the only filter that i have is me and the rest of the female persuasion that tells me who i am...not some man who doesn't know the differnce between size 8 and size 13. I do and I hate it and i loath it and i spite it....this ideal...Guys often think that we are beautful. But they are not the enemy in the pitiful game...it is the other women, the best friend, the sister, the mother. Weird? (You may think to yourself if you are a guy?) But its really true!

I was speaking to my girlfriend and she weighs less than me now and I was very vulnerable with her about this over the phone...that i wasn't feeling good that i knew i had gained the married pounds. She once stood in my shoes, where i am now...but guess what? she told me all the wrong things..she took me to all the stores and tried on all the outfits...it just hurt...myabe I have the wrong friends? I am not sure? But you currently can't choose your family...and even then things are said. I told my weight to my sister and it was as if i made her feel better. I imagined that she said to herself...(wow i don't weigh that much and i am a foot taller than her?) I sunk in my chair...It doesn't matter what you teach a girl this will always happen. It is like this vicous circle and it will never stop. Girls compare to girls.

I ask God to allow me see that i am defined my him...to rest in his glory...but i fear that if i do find significance in God ( i won''t care about what i weigh?) Does that sound weird or what! The other issue is that i really don't know if this is normal? Do you gain weight in your mid twenties? Do you go on the Pill and gain weight and when you stop it takes months to loose? Ahhhhhh! I have no one that i really feel comfortable asking these questions too. One i don't trust the women I know to give honest anwers because they filter it through their own weight issues.

Heck though, man i really sympathize with other women that struggle with this issue. And i have apoligized to women that i have hurt in this way when i was really small. I was insensitive and mean...and well i never knew how destructive it was! I only write about this issue on rare occasion this may be my second time. I have weird thoughts though like i should be pregnant to weigh and look like i do! I mean i know pregnant women that are trying to loose weight but they have a reason you know kinda a excuse to look a little more overweight? At the end of the day...I feel no better or worse about myself when i write it but i really do wish that i could find that one person to continue to come along side me with this and nurture a correct behaviour... i was thinking to myself today...what do you label someone like me...I am not anorexic, bulimic, or obesise...i am just sick in the mind? IF that make sense.
signed off

i still can feel the tension

2005-03-15T09:28:00.000-08:00

I went away to chicago where the hussle and bussel is everywhere. there i was at a conference, in a church that was so big i felt like the mall that i have in my town is small in camparision. Strange really the fact that this place was so large anyone who didn't know the place had a map to get around with...I was surrounded by the white man in every direction i looked it was a church that was populated by the rich white man. And the american one at that. i was really enthralled with the training that they have, but really confused at the idea of the people that are God's people where missing. they don't have fast cars and nice homes, they live on the streets and in the tiny spaces no one sees. Well to say the least i have learned that i would never attend a church of 20,000...where is the relationship there?

The evidence

2005-02-27T13:55:00.000-08:00

The evidence tells you everything right? Well here we are living in a inner-city community we have no evidence of the fact that we are here and making an impact on our community. This really got to me. But since having a decusion with some friends i have realized that you never arrive at where you are by shere wanting. You need to build your relationship, pour into one another and notice the change that is happening between me husband and I. At the root of it all the evidence is clear we are stuggling to know and be in a love relationship with each other. Maybe God is some weird way has not brought people to join us here because we are not prepared yet. I do however have that longing for the community aspect of things but i recognize the bigger picture. It sets me free from the chains that say you need evidence of what and who you are now. Well just ask jord and there will be evidence in our marriage.

the evidence doesn't need to speak in the case that two hearts are becoming one. I see it in him (jord) and i hope he sees it in me. I will search no longer for evidence in community until we are finished with working on being one.

I often question?

2005-02-21T16:49:00.000-08:00

Sometimes i really am bombarded with the ideas of others. I am moved people's decisions and someone's comments always cause me to question. See here i am a person who states i have been a christian since i was a young girl. Yep that was me...nobody made me do it...it just kinda was a personal decision. Well know that i am 23 and yes i know that is not very old, i question a lot that people have to say in the Christian world. Not sure really if I want to buy everything that i hear...and i often defend those that are not your so called Christians. At any rate...here i am trying to understand how we can interpret the scriptures without a teacher? And when we have a teacher who is he/she? I sometimes think there is only a few that i trust, but i generally trust them because they see the world the way i do. What do i do with those teachers who don't. Well i want to toss what they say away. I don't even want to be in the same room. When i speak of Jesus it really bothers me that the only way certain people say you can know him is through the bible? i have a really hard time justifying the person of Christ and knowing him through words. Sometimes words that i make into my own unless someone is teaching me what they mean. At the risk of sounding silly, what the hell..you know?

I read the message written by NT Wright on the John 15 i am the vine you are the branches and i am enlightened that he presents the person of Jesus, the history of the Jewish people and then the understanding of the text and what it may mean. I liked what he had to say. My husband found it so don't ask me where? But someone i am under authority of tell me this long interpretation of this passage and it makes me want to vomit out...."who is the Christ you know?" cause i don't know a Christ who said you will know me through the scriptures mostly! I thought he was a Christ the showed us how to live and who he lived his life with...if we are to know a person should we not do as the person...and i am not just talking about living the fruits of the spirit i mean actually being like Jesus to the poor the lonely and the oppressed.

I think that is all...i need to find a teacher that i can learn from? anyone know of someone?
jill

at the risk of sounding like a naturopath

2005-02-17T19:13:00.000-08:00

I have recently discovered that i didn't enjoy who i was. That most or all of my time spent was either being upset or getting upset in that moment. You may laugh but i have choosen to go off what we call the thing that saves us all from not having Children "at the wrong time". I have spoken to many women that have said that the Pill makes you feel crazy, fat, and well lets just say not good. I may have been told by a few people that i could just be experiencing "marriage" but i still new i wasn't who i wanted to be. So i am not a crunchy granola...although i do believe their values to be good...but i am a women saying somethings gotta give and well the first step is getting rid of that dam Pill.

I will let you all know if this is making a differnce in me? I would be curious to see...so far i feel better...HA wouldn't the doctors love that?

signed
the one who no longer partakes of the Pill

Marriage??

2005-01-24T15:33:00.000-08:00

Marriage...you look forward to it...you are suppose to dream about as a girl...make a scrap book of it...and remember forever....The cost..... thousands, and i am not just talking money.

I reflect after being married only four months now. We being my husband and I have had an interesting beginning. It started really well and it continues to be good just maybe not fantastic. I mean every girl i think in this world has some sort of distorted view about marriage whether positive or negative. I on the other hand thought that i had a realistic view of what marriage would be...full of ups and downs and lots of hard work. Well i was right....and then some! My husband and I, we have found that we are actually complete opposites, he is intoverted i am extroverted. He is a thinking person, i am a feeling person. To put it clearly we are polar opposited in regards to how we view life.

I am drained tired and afraid that we need the help of somebody else to help us communicate and hear each other. I guess i should not be afraid that we need help just more wished that my fantasy's were true...that it simply gets easier and that you begin to understand each other more as time goes on. I feel the opposite of that i feel we are losing what we worked hard for and are gaining only walls that will tear this relationship a part. I fear for the times when i want to run, when i tell myself that being on this earth sucks. When i am suppose to love, my natural instint is to hate. Then i begin to hate the person that this marriage has created. Bitter, removed, never smiling and always wondering when the touch of my beloved husband would be nice and warm and kind.

I will not remove the blame of most of what has happened between us on him. He is not at fault. I come from a twisted background where all i saw was conflict and power and control issues between my parents. The tools that i gained i have not applied to my own life, but merely give advice to others. I feel most days like i am starting a cycle of depression and lonliness and hatred for the God that i am to call saviour. I call out and he does not answer, i seek but there is no place to find him. Desperate to not repeat my mothers and my fathers cycle's i fight and fight and fight...but i become what i do not want and i repeat the only thing that i new. As i was a child i thought like a child and frankly that doesn't change the moment that you are married...i continue my childish ways. It would just feel better not to feel, to close all the doors to my heart to not allow anyone into the deepest pains in my life....but adure, i hear my voice calling out and saying i will not be beaten and i will not be broken by my faults ....i will prevail...i will previal.....come out of the ashes of despair and come out of the dark and weary places....come out come out....

I retreat in fear of rejection...that i will speak and not be hear..... that i will talk and someone will think that i am dumb...that i will lead and no one will follow.

signed the prisoner of my own faults.....

who knows?

2005-01-16T18:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes i get lost in the idea of what the church is suppose to be...frankly i don't enjoy going when i do...today was different! I think maybe i changed my mind...but either way there are still times of frustration, but a new way at looking at the people. I think to myself that maybe the people of God are not always found in church, they are found everywhere....I would like to begin to know them, because it seems that there is hope that they might be more sincere than the people we find inside the buildings that we have call church...just a thought...

mix bag of thoughts

2004-12-20T21:03:00.000-08:00

I never thought it would be like this...long nights awaiting him to come home. I like it...its nice and it gives me comfort to know that he shares that same bed and sheets and home. But when he is gone its really empty here. We have really busy holiday and well...you think there would be more time to just be together...why is there less? Not really sure yet...a vaction away somewhere quiet could be my only wish right now...not Quebec where we are going...but somewhere peaceful and quiet and really anywhere that gives us time, to be alone and share our thoughts and feelings enjoy each other touches and embraces. For Christmas this year there is nothing more that i want than just the two of us and laughter. I love buying gifts for people, i enjoy giving that way, but the business is really is the holiday screw up. Go here Go there...get this, get that...please them...please me...and on and on and on! i think the most important part of Christmas is family and embracing the family that you have whether you are related or not.

I had an interesting thing happen tonight...I had visitors...they were caroler's and they knocked on my door to give me cookies and a song...it was nice...probably the most exciting part of my night...they sang silent night...they sang and declared Christ birth for all to hear...More people come here to the inner core of Hamilton to give and share resources and i love that...i really like that about hamilton. I am glad to be here...

My mom was telling me today that her house is almost open but not quite ready to have people and i thought that it will be exciting when she can have people in her home. She said she got a call about a family who has been living in a motel room, a mom and three kids...my mom said that she is going to see if she can get the heat running properly so that she can have people there without them freezing...but i just think that it is a huge empty house with rooms and places to sleep and a kitchen overflowing with food...she needs to let them in...cause if she doesn't i will!

she is gone now

2004-12-17T07:01:00.000-08:00

It was 12:00 a.m. not last night but the night before that Melissa left this world. My sister said that it wasn't really a peaceful death. When you have cancer sometimes your platlates are no longer exsistant. And Melissa had none. When you go through chemo-therapy, it does one of two things. It first kills all the good cells and in that process it can kill all the cancer. Or It kills all of your organs slowly because the toxicidity is so strong. With the kind of cancer that she had there was little to no chance that she would make it through this treatment. There is an irony in cancer, it kills when it wants to, and there is nothing we can do but await its finally hour. If she wasn't 18years old and she was yonger this same cancer would have been 95% curable. But because of her age and the dynamics of this cancer, it is that worst at age 18. As this swept through her body she no longer could think, see and feel to much. She died by bleeding out...not really farmilar scientifically with what happens but i know that inside she just fills with blood and then it begins to come out of all her nose, mouth and ears.

She was with her mom and a very loving nurse, i am sure that her mom is sad but is glad to know there is no more suffering. It pains me most to know her mother will be the one to remain in utter pain. She now must pack her bags soon and leave all that she knows after she has lost the only thing that she loves most, her daughter.

Knowing Melissa was an exciting time in my life...her smile and her love and her kindness never left me even a year later. I fear the idea of christianity and what happens to people when they die? I fear the idea that there is a hell even for the murders of this world. I am reading the book dead man walking and even in there i have begun to love the killer and feel he also has no right to hell...

I will rejoice though cause i serve a God who has redeemed all people...and i will celebrate when i see Melissa again...we can dance she can laugh and she will not have to see that fuckin hospital room again.

Will she die soon?

2004-12-16T07:15:00.000-08:00

Melissa is her name and she is 18years old. Cancer has its Grip on her and she can't even open her eyes to focus. i met her when i worked in the hospital transporting the living and the dead. The hell of moving sick people around finally got to me...it was when i moved two dead people that i couldn't take it anymore. The morgue was cold and there were bodies lined up inside, it was full. There is only room for about five people in there. So my guy he needed to stay on his floor for almost 36 hours wrapped up in a bag. I finally took him down and the vomit and fear was just lerking for me at the back of my throat was awful. The biggest fear that i had in life was seeing a dead person? I have no idea why. Facing your fear is not always that best thing...it haunts you and it will scare the shit right out of you. For weeks i would have dreams of this man. He was light when we moved him because he had died of lucumia...Really all that was left of him was his skin and bones. I didn't know him and i had never met him before. He was 32 years old though had a wife and a new baby she was One. It was Christmas of last year...all of his things in the room were packed neatly into a plastic see through bag...i cleaned the room after he left and all that was left of him in there was his head print, left in the the bed.

I transported young Melissa nearing the beginning of my career at the Hospital, she was beautiful and very sweet. Her mother has red hair and is very large women who laughs and makes you smile when you see her. Melissa she looks like she is malato. She had no hair but she is really a stunning girl. I really enjoyed moving her, she was full of life and all she was doing was getting a x-ray. We chatted about my sister cause she is her nurse. They love her and they automatically loved me because i was related to her.

Now i have visited Melissa twice since, the first time she gave me some Christmas candy and a beautiful candle. This year only one year later, she is closing in on her dealth bed. i have wanted to go see her since the last time i saw her. But on my second visit she was quiet and she shared how she was totally violated by her doctor. I left the room knowing i wouldn't see her again and really wondering how you can be so de-humanized by doctors. He was checking her back...she rolled over and then all of the sudden her pants her down and she was shocked, he then checked her rectal cativity, then she turned over and her reached towards her face with the same gloves her had checked her bum with...she explains this to me and my sister on my last visit. You shake your head and you node and as she tells the story, but afterwords you just can do nothing else but cry. She told the doctor gently that she needed him to check her mouth another time.

My sister said that nursing is hard she lost one of her kids yesterday. As all the nurses mourn some jackass comes up to her and says "Can i look at the body" and steph says "just because you are fasinated with dealth does not mean you can turn this person into some experiment with your feelings". She mocked steph compeletely.

Now that day is nearing for melissa to go home. Her family is not much of one now, which is sad, when all of this is over her drunk dad is going to be left alone. The wife çan't take it anymore, she will leave him after Melissa dies. God please be with them allow her to rest, go peacefully and if i could see her again someday i will dance forever with you....for this is my prayer...i will dance with her someday?

Empty House ( for the living not the unborn)

2004-12-14T09:39:00.000-08:00

she is empty and she is cold and she wants more people to be in her home
she has heat and she has warmth but she is empty and all alone
she wants laughter and joy, she wants to welcome anyone home
she

I live with her each day her name is mary. she has four rooms and many entry ways one at the front and the other at the back, even one hidden in the basement. I so desperately long for my house to be filled. I have two rooms that have warm comforters on the beds. I often think people come over here and think that i am preparing a home for babies to be born. Two rooms empty awaiting a visitor, but not for the unborn, for the living...someone. Anyone who is cold and needs warmth, hungry and needs food, and tired and needs to rest. I often watch out my window as people walk by and i ask "does he have a home? Does he need a place to rest?" Maybe i am not close enough to offer this to people but i desperately want this house to be filled. There is a park just up the street which could be someone's home but i never see him or her...they never show me their face. We have offered our home to many who have needed a place, they don't want it, they want their own. I Pray that God will show me who will fill our home. I will wait....I will wait...

IF these walls could talk what would they say?

One hundred and Fity-Two pounds

2004-12-11T16:26:00.000-08:00

Today i was suprisingly frustrated by a movie. Its called Briget jones Diary. there are two of them, i am talking about the first. Funny plot...i guess...cute ending? I suppose....Disturbing message FOR SURE!

She writes in a journal most of her inner thoughts. Similar to this. But what disturbed me is that the movie protrayes her as overweight??? I was confused cause she looked dam good to me. then in one of her entries you see her jotting down her weight. 136pds. Wow to me that is what i weighed when i was almost sick and never really eating much. Then at another point she says "Christmas December 25th, i weigh a hundred and forty pounds." she said this in a despairing voice... I felt quiet fat...quiet ugly actually when this moive needed to protray her as fat when she merely weighed in at 140.

Through out the whole movie they do close ups on her butt and on her boobs and well they aren't the kind of close ups that are the sexy look at her butt shots...they are the ones that are saying "look at her bulge".

The media really does tell women what they are suppose to be even in a innocent love story such as this. I even heard a comment by a guy saying "she had to gain weight to do this role!" that was after i asked if she was cute...the only response i got was that she obviously was over-weight and unattractive....

well i guess i will continue to say...even in the midst of hope for people who are thinking a new way, i have to hope there will be someone out there who sees beauty different than size. I feel entirely confused by the media, if she is repulisive in this movie? then what the hell am I, or the girl who is much larger than me?

IF this could just simply be a letter to men i would say..watch what you say and be careful how media effects your understanding of women...cause at the end of the day...it is not the media who has it right.

Racism?

2004-12-09T14:42:00.000-08:00

Journeying with Broken people seems easier than loving those that are broken but hurt so many people. I have a hard time understanding why people joke and laugh about other races...or for that matter gay people...I sat in a room with four young men who just seem to think that making fun of people and talking about people in derogatory way is humorous. DO they not see that it offends me...do they not understand they do this because they are afraid themselves that if they do not make fun of gay people that they themselves might be gay?

How do i see them as broken too? Crass, dirty, mean and they degrade races, women and sexual preference all day long. I want to scream..."would you just shut up..you have no idea the pain that others feel because of your ignorance." Once i said to one of them that he is the most insensitive person i have ever meet. And he replied "whatever"....i live up north and we become racist here because we never see black people". And then he continued to say that there was one black guy at the Huntsville High and he lets everyone call him Nigger...and it doesn't bother him...I respond, "does he have a choice?"

I wish that i could love and commit to loving these guys too. I mean are they are hurting as well. Or do you get to the point where you say....i can not align myself with people who marginalize people and dehumanize them for kicks.

Being that i am a women and i know what it is like to be misunderstood, mistreated and degraded. I feel very vulnerable in a group of young Christian men who don't understand Christ at all. Christ gave a message of love for all, love for the broken, love for the lost, and love for the samaritian.

I see that we have taught this generation to understand Jesus as a way out of hell and into heaven...nothing more. He doesn't transform you? He doesn't accept you? He doesn't change your heart from cold to warm. Bullshit he did and he does and he will continue to even do that with my heart for these men...but getting there might take me a life time.

in response to our arrogance

2004-12-06T07:14:00.000-08:00

I am really responding to the idea that all people justifiably have some sort of agenda. We in our ministry and in our thoughts and in our needs to love people and journey with them still have some sort of agenda. Maybe i am wrong is saying this but, it feels very true when you really admit the demons...to say the least that are knocking at our door.

I am close to a ministry that is very beautiful...it is called the Drummond House. It's new if you have never heard of it and really it is a beautiful vision that has come to fruition. Her name is mom she is the one who had the vision and the dream to build a home for women and children to come to that is safe and warm and well "a home". Beauty has it pains though...i would call those birthing pains. When someone has a vision...someone gets lost. Me? No. Her? yes! Fundamentally we all have an agenda? Right? And hers was to build a home a create a place of safety....and we her children have become the ones through which relationship has suffered. We don't know her unless we call...we don't see her unless we drop by....days go by and i still rarely hear her voice. Oh how i miss her voice...soft caring, loving and gentle.

Here i am 23 years old and i am curious what ministry's does to people's lives that we love. They take there time, they move them away, and they take them from their families. I see my other friend well my sister, be taken into the church and embraced and loved and then taken advantage of. I say..."THEY JUST GOT MARRIED, LEAVE THEM BE... DUMB ASS CHURCH" but no they will take and they will abuse until one day. My sister and her husband ask the question "who are you"?". I fear that for her...for my mom...and honestly sometimes for all of us who are so deeply entrenched in church ministry.

I really love what mom has to offer...and i can't seem to get my head around the idea that i am hurt by it. How can i hate something that will give hope to people? How can i not be involved when they needs just a pair of hands to help. Selfish? Me ? No way? ....well that is not true. I am selfish and stubborn and i am one who carries my own agenda...to all, to the suffering, to people who are loving people. To the world? I really hate myself for that...that demon that lurks on my back. but tell me what to do...? Someone tell me what to do...

journeying with people

2004-12-01T15:51:00.000-08:00

When she was suffering i suppose i wanted to rescue her
When she was confused i wanted to manage her confusion
When she freaked out i wanted to make her calm
But now that she is.... i dislike it cause it just doesn't seem like her

It is hard to journey with people without wanting to rescue. I don't know if this sounds silly or ignorant, but it feels true. I find myself still in a place where i see people's hurt or pain...or even hear of someones suffering and i want to do the patch work...isn't that what we have been taught by the church all these years?

She hurts fix her
she pregnant send her away
she is abused sent her back to her abusier

i saw it all the time when i was a kid and my mom was battered and abused by my dad. They sent her back in said "divorce" is not Biblical...."And abuse is?"

I have just recently realized that what i think i have figured out about suffering people and loving them is fuckin difficult. I can barely do it in my thoughts, let alone my actions. We moved to hamilton to find this a place where we could meet the broken and well just simply live with, and learn with them. Wow it takes time. But i realized today that i still have the mantality, to do what the oppressers did to my mother...they were unsympathetic, and well just cruel. I hope God you teach me, however that may be through people like dan, jord, my mom...and the list goes on.

new day.... new thoughts....

2004-11-30T09:40:00.000-08:00

Everyone seems to tell you that they have community figured out. Is it easier to see the forest when you are out of it? I don't know? that is what someone said to my husband about why he moved out of Hamilton. He lived here for 15 years and allowed youth to stay in his house, live there cook there, sleep there. then one day he said i should distance myself. What? Does distance give you prespective? I thought that living admist it did. Maybe he knows what he is talking about but i generally had that sense that he bailed when it got a little to close to home.

humans have lost their humanity

2004-11-29T17:55:00.000-08:00

this weekend i watched as a young girl sat in a circle of 30 people and shared that she is bi-polar...i watched as her hands shook and her eyes began to well up with fear of the group not hearing her. I know she was afraid cause her voice shook. She was with us in the summer, she looks back and can't remember much cause she was in a state of mania. She was afraid she said all weekend that someone would tell her to be quiet and get angry with her. But she was quiet and she even asked that i give her her pill.(and i couldn't even do it, i remember now that i almost did everything, to not have to do it, i didn't even want to hold the pills in my hand. I made my husband do it...pathetic? i know) I loved the way she was before...she laughed she interupted and she even really frustrated me. But she made me learn to love and she made me learn to cry and she made me want to open my home to her.

Now she is quiet and reserved. she says that she has to sleep lots because of the lithum that is in her meds. Is that right? Should she be changed into us? Should she be told unless she does take this medication she won't be able to contribute to society?

i care about her, and i really feel like she has so much to offer, more than any other 16 year old that i know. She was the only one who would admit that she may no longer believe in Jesus that whole weekend? She is the only one who would tell you who she really was! Now she is the only one who has to mask her excitment, and blur her thoughts, and become lithargic, so we can feel safe!

what kind of people are we that we allow the people who are different to be put away, put on meds and told they need to conform or else?

I don't know do you?

Humans have lost their humanity...

a new way of being

2004-11-29T12:07:00.000-08:00

Today i began what you call the journal that took a life time to start. When i was hearing about and seeing what people did in these journals i was a little intrigued and then i found myself thinking, does everyone think that we want to read their inner most thoughts all the time?

Is this some new way of expressing who we are? And simply deciding it is better to hide behind a computer screen then actually know our friends, neighbours and family? Who am i kidding, the release i assume that is attached to blogging must be present cause everyone i know is doing this. It still makes me questions whether we are all hiding from ourselves and everyone else, but what the hell do i know? I am now in doing the very thing I thought i hated!

My thoughts as of present are always around the idea of knowledge and knowing things. I feel like I spend most my days and nights defining who i am by what i "know" or what knowledge i can gain. But i find myself realizing the more i seek knowledge the less i know who i am? sometimes, well actually all the time i feel i am in a room of people who want to know who they are and what role they play in life. They ask themselves "what makes me valuable?" and "what knowledge do i have, that can make me smart or seem like i understand something?" I want to tell all these people to come into the reality that we are all just seeking the thrill of being heard and the love of our own opinions being heard and repeated and valued!

ha...i make a mockery of myself here because i do this too. How the hell do you get out of this? How do you live and not worry about others? How do you love without conditions? and how do you write without the hopes that someone, anyone will hear your voice and agree?

a new way of being

even in the name i choose i hope someone will be impressed and intrigued by its true meaning? What the Hell?